How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
