I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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