So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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