Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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