you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
