I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
