Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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