I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
