I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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