Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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