if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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