Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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