i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
