They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
