she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
