He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
