my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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