YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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