My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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