well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
