see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
