if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Never joke about your clitoris.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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