I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
