I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
