Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
