My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
