I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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