I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
