oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
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Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
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I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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