I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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