Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
