Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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