I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
