I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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