Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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