I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
