There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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