I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You need Xanax blowdarts
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
not ubering you a puppy
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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