True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
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The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
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Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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