what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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