You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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