just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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