i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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