I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
