We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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