I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
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I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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