Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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