i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
