Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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