Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
