just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
