The maid of honor just puked.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
