we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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