I murdered the dance floor call the cops
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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