Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
