OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
