My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Let's get the cat blown out
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
