got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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