Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
you had me at cake vodka
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
